You Just Haven't Lived 'Til Ya . . .

My sweet girls, Molly & Shelby, have been sick all week. They've both been throwing up lots and with directions from the vet to administer Kaopectate, it hasn't improved. So my story today proves complete and utter devotion in the face of complete and utter . . . uh, sickness.

Several nights this week I've had to get up in the middle of the night to change all the bedding because Shelby has yakked her little tummy all over the sheets/blankets. Last night was one for the record books. She had been doing fairly well most of the day so she didn't get any medecine. Last night when I went to bed, I found out she wasn't doing very well. And she didn't do very well all over my down comforter, bedspread, sheets and a pillow. I gave her Kaopectate, cuddled and told her it was OK and then we went to bed on sleeping bags.

Sometime during the night I awoke to the sound of dry heaving under the blankets. I was so sleepy, I petted her and went back to sleep. Soon, I felt Shelby move up above me and cuddle on top of my pillow. Her tummy continued gurgling. I reached up to console her, glanced up at just the exact time she puked her little tiny guts out all over me. Yep, all over my face. I woke Ron up so he could get me something to wipe up with and because I wanted to share life's little injustice. It almost sounds funny right now but last night, I was really, really . . . uh, grossed out. I washed up, put that bedding in the pile "with the rest o' it" and tried to go back to sleep with a bath towel for a blanket. (Next stop Sean's bed.) Poor Shelby.

So today when you think, "Gosh, Macy's is out of the sandals I drove across town to buy" or "I hate it when I buy non-fat creamer on accident," just remember me. All bile covered and sleepy. Still wanted to comfort a little girl whose only crime was to be sick - in the wrong place. Yeah, I love her THAT much!

Suicide is NOT Painless

This past week our family was touched by an indescribable tragedy. This story began over a year ago. There was a man who was once my husband's boss at work and was married to one of my dearest Colorado friends and a person I enjoyed, respected and genuinely liked. Sometime around the end of 2006/beginning of 2007 he began making really selfish and shockingly stupid choices in his life. These choices determined the future of his devoted wife and his two sons. He decided he wanted another women and that desire was more important than his family and his successful Air Force career.

The divorce was final in November of 2007. Many of us who watched this downward spiral throughout the year commented on how surreal this all felt. This man, who had previously been quite emotionally absent for his family, began to give his boys the attention they had wanted. Then, just like a movie, the girlfriend, who had previously destroyed families before this one, much like a wrecking ball and with the same sense of conscience, eventually ended the relationship. Apparently, he realized he had given up EVERYTHING for this woman - to include his integrity - and it was too much for him.

With a lot of planning and preparation, he took his own life this week. He left his boys with a trauma that will always be with them. He showed them that their lives weren't worth him sticking around. He showed them that you can be beaten down. And you don't have to get up. And he role-modeled the very worst example possible.

My life has been touched by suicide before, unfortunately. There are those who commit that act who deserve the deepest sympathy. One friend described it like this: "He was never able to make a meaningful connection to life." There are those who hurt emotionally or even physically so bad that they can never see hope and they just want the pain to end. And I know I shouldn't judge people because I haven't walked in their shoes. But I also know that suicide hurts the loved ones left behind more than words could ever express.

I think when there are children involved, the playing field is completely changed. We bring our kids into the world. They deserve to grow up with parents. Most parents say they would give their lives for their child. I call that normal. That's not even heroic. Every child deserves that much love. For a parent to take what has been referred to as "the coward's way out," is saying "Your life is not important to me. My feelings are more important. I don't want to be here anymore and regardless of the effect that will have on everyone who cares about me and anyone who tries to love them in the future, I'm going to do what I feel like doing right now." No one ever said being a parent is easy. Maybe that's one of the hardest things - to stick around for them and be engaged no matter what you're going through.

I wish I knew who in my life right now was even considering that sort of thing and I could wrap my arms around them and tell them that NOTHING is so bad. There will always be hope but you have to bring it to yourself sometimes. Our own happiness is our own responsibility. But suicide? Parents, brothers and sisters, spouses or partners, and above all else, children - deserve better.

Bye-bye, Toby

I'm very sad because my dear friend, DeAnn, lost her dear Toby. He was old but I still remember when he wasn't. I had never had a friend with a boxer breed dog and so he was the first one. Since then, their family has added others but none are Toby. This is for DeAnn, Les, Charles, James and Samuel:

Tribute to a Best Friend
Sunlight streams through window pane unto a spot on the floor....

Then I remember, It's where you used to lie, but now you are no more.

Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound....

Then I remember, It's where your paws would joyously abound.

A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill.

Then I remember it can't be yours....

Your golden voice is still.

But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall

And lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall.

I'll wrap these treasured memorials in a blanket of my love

And keep them for my best friend until we meet above.

Bye, Toby.

Happy B, Tee!

My baby is 20!! Ron and I spent the day with our little guy in Denver. We shopped, we ate, we took pictures and shopped some more. What a terrific time! I've included some pictures so you can all feel a part of our day.

Ron and I spent lots of time today thinking about all the reasons we are so proud of the birthday boy. He's grown up to become such an incredible, loving, brilliant, talented, honest and hard-working young man. I couldn't ask for better sons than the two I'm so lucky to call my own. One of my most favorite things about Stephen is the way he hugs - he totally hugs with his heart. Like any completely enamored mother, I stand in awe at this great human being. And I give thanks to the universe for his life. And for my tiny part of it all.