Suicide is NOT Painless
This past week our family was touched by an indescribable tragedy. This story began over a year ago. There was a man who was once my husband's boss at work and was married to one of my dearest Colorado friends and a person I enjoyed, respected and genuinely liked. Sometime around the end of 2006/beginning of 2007 he began making really selfish and shockingly stupid choices in his life. These choices determined the future of his devoted wife and his two sons. He decided he wanted another women and that desire was more important than his family and his successful Air Force career.
The divorce was final in November of 2007. Many of us who watched this downward spiral throughout the year commented on how surreal this all felt. This man, who had previously been quite emotionally absent for his family, began to give his boys the attention they had wanted. Then, just like a movie, the girlfriend, who had previously destroyed families before this one, much like a wrecking ball and with the same sense of conscience, eventually ended the relationship. Apparently, he realized he had given up EVERYTHING for this woman - to include his integrity - and it was too much for him.
With a lot of planning and preparation, he took his own life this week. He left his boys with a trauma that will always be with them. He showed them that their lives weren't worth him sticking around. He showed them that you can be beaten down. And you don't have to get up. And he role-modeled the very worst example possible.
My life has been touched by suicide before, unfortunately. There are those who commit that act who deserve the deepest sympathy. One friend described it like this: "He was never able to make a meaningful connection to life." There are those who hurt emotionally or even physically so bad that they can never see hope and they just want the pain to end. And I know I shouldn't judge people because I haven't walked in their shoes. But I also know that suicide hurts the loved ones left behind more than words could ever express.
I think when there are children involved, the playing field is completely changed. We bring our kids into the world. They deserve to grow up with parents. Most parents say they would give their lives for their child. I call that normal. That's not even heroic. Every child deserves that much love. For a parent to take what has been referred to as "the coward's way out," is saying "Your life is not important to me. My feelings are more important. I don't want to be here anymore and regardless of the effect that will have on everyone who cares about me and anyone who tries to love them in the future, I'm going to do what I feel like doing right now." No one ever said being a parent is easy. Maybe that's one of the hardest things - to stick around for them and be engaged no matter what you're going through.
I wish I knew who in my life right now was even considering that sort of thing and I could wrap my arms around them and tell them that NOTHING is so bad. There will always be hope but you have to bring it to yourself sometimes. Our own happiness is our own responsibility. But suicide? Parents, brothers and sisters, spouses or partners, and above all else, children - deserve better.
The divorce was final in November of 2007. Many of us who watched this downward spiral throughout the year commented on how surreal this all felt. This man, who had previously been quite emotionally absent for his family, began to give his boys the attention they had wanted. Then, just like a movie, the girlfriend, who had previously destroyed families before this one, much like a wrecking ball and with the same sense of conscience, eventually ended the relationship. Apparently, he realized he had given up EVERYTHING for this woman - to include his integrity - and it was too much for him.
With a lot of planning and preparation, he took his own life this week. He left his boys with a trauma that will always be with them. He showed them that their lives weren't worth him sticking around. He showed them that you can be beaten down. And you don't have to get up. And he role-modeled the very worst example possible.
My life has been touched by suicide before, unfortunately. There are those who commit that act who deserve the deepest sympathy. One friend described it like this: "He was never able to make a meaningful connection to life." There are those who hurt emotionally or even physically so bad that they can never see hope and they just want the pain to end. And I know I shouldn't judge people because I haven't walked in their shoes. But I also know that suicide hurts the loved ones left behind more than words could ever express.
I think when there are children involved, the playing field is completely changed. We bring our kids into the world. They deserve to grow up with parents. Most parents say they would give their lives for their child. I call that normal. That's not even heroic. Every child deserves that much love. For a parent to take what has been referred to as "the coward's way out," is saying "Your life is not important to me. My feelings are more important. I don't want to be here anymore and regardless of the effect that will have on everyone who cares about me and anyone who tries to love them in the future, I'm going to do what I feel like doing right now." No one ever said being a parent is easy. Maybe that's one of the hardest things - to stick around for them and be engaged no matter what you're going through.
I wish I knew who in my life right now was even considering that sort of thing and I could wrap my arms around them and tell them that NOTHING is so bad. There will always be hope but you have to bring it to yourself sometimes. Our own happiness is our own responsibility. But suicide? Parents, brothers and sisters, spouses or partners, and above all else, children - deserve better.
5 comments:
Wow, Kath. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the family and sorry you have to be a part of all that. Maybe it would help to think he didn't choose himself over his kids but that he just wasn't thinking clearly. You have to assume that someone that chooses this path is "mentally compromised" and not in their right mind. I've heard that often they think their kids, wife, whomever, would be better off without them. They don't see themselves the way others do - as an indispensable part of their family's lives. Compassion is probably the only thing to cling to in this situation. It just doesn't make sense, does it?
At some point, I may feel some of that compassion you're talking about, but right now my Give-a-Damn tank is on empty. This man was always about himself - all through the 17 years of marriage and parenting. So he never changed. When we were all friends and he was like that, we sort of wrote it off like "Oh, that's how he is." That selfishness never destroyed anyone at that point. But now? Well, it's all about the kids. My compassion tank for them is on full.
Yeah, whatever...
What tragic news. I'm so sorry, Kath. I'm just glad the kids have a mom that will be there for them as they come to grips with how this has changed their lives.
And what an amazing mom/woman she is!
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