Christmas Lessons

The best part of Christmas this year was watching little ones rip their gifts open (ok, maybe some o' us big ones did too).) We all ransacked my mom's house and she seems to have loved it anyway.
I learned a few things this holiday:

• I hate wrapping gifts more than I even thought I did
• Nana's have an expiration date. Then they become yogurt. OLD BAD yogurt.
• My niece and nephew are the cutest. Ever.
• Husbands who buy jewelry rock.
• I love my Uncle Mel.
• I adore my Aunt Hazel.
• I will never be alone as long as I have my cousins. They're the best! Jeff, Deanna, Lori - I love you!
• I have the bestest Mom in the world. Even without presents (but don't tell her that part!)
• I probably idolize my Uncle Paul way too much, but I'm OK with that.
• The San Francisco Zoo isn't the best place to visit on Christmas.
• I so love my sister.
  
• I really felt my dad with us in the midst of all the fun
• I think my cousin Dan is cool even though I'm not sure of the difference between Teamsters and Mafioso.
• Having my boys and my big guy under the same tree is the best present I could ever have.
• Spending even just one evening with my BFF's family is better than great!
• Yeah, Punk, I feel lucky.

Ah . . . it's good to learn.

Happy Christmas!

The presents are wrapped.

The stockings are hung.

Mrs. Santa is snockered. I mean, everyone's feeling festive.

To all those I like (and some not so much . . . after all, I'm feeling festive)

Enjoy your holiday!

Other Mother Days

Today (Monday) is the special day of my BFF's mom. I have some of the most caring and warm memories of this very loving lady. She treated me like her own and I loved every minute of it! I wish her the happiest of birthdays and I feel so lucky to have her in my life!

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is the birthday of my Mother-In-Law. She's had a really full year and I only hope that her next year is a tad less bad stress and lots more good stress. She's my craft buddy and my shopping co-hort. Long live Girl's Day!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to these gals~ may your days be filled with happiness, hugs and huge handfuls of good wishes!!

Good times, good times . . .

FINALLY I have time to tell everyone what a FANtastic time we had in San Francisco! The weather could not have been more perfect and every event/experience was absolutely stellar!

Thursday afternoon: I would be remiss to not mention my flight. When I landed in Phoenix, I stood in line at a Burger King for lunch. As I approached the front of the line, I could see my server was a very large woman who had neither teeth nor a bra. And all I could think was "This is definitely NOT having it my way!!"

Our flights were delayed due to weather in San Francisco. I arrived a little earlier than Lori so I took a shuttle to our hotel "King George." It should be called "King Tut" because it was very . . . compact and cozy. Too small, if anyone asked me. So, it will not make the rotation again (until Lori and I both forget and decide to try it again!) We tucked our belongings away in our hotel room, folded ourselves back into the elevator and ventured out to dinner at Max's. It's one of our favorite spots. We ordered some great food but one of us ended up full from the bread/butter brought to our table and had it packaged up to go. We finally found a homeless person with enough teeth to chow down a chicken sandwich and did our good deed for the day. How do you know if a homeless person has teeth, you ask? Well, if you stretch out your hand with a dollar like you're gonna give it to them, they usually smile. When you see they have no teeth and take the dollar back, they usually chase you down with a hatchet. So anyway, after a few teethless ones, we found our guy, handed off the sandwich and made our way back to our tiny bungalow at the Larry King Hotel (just a little annoying.)


On Friday morning we started our day at Lori's Diner (of course!) Lori had the usual breakfast staples and I dined on a tray of biscuits and gravy. YUMMO! Lori never disappoints and it was great!


We stopped by our little ol' Asian lady souvenir shop and she seemed to have transformed herself. She was really nice and chatted. She had backup for the first time ever, which consisted of a young man and a young girl who looked like they were trying to learn the family business. We followed that with a trip to Nordstrom Mall where we shopped til we dropped and then sat down long enough for a Smashbox makeover by our new gal, Vanessa. We relaxed some back at our efficiency hut at King Tiny-Tim and then began our transformation to theater mongers. We had dinner again at Max's. I ordered the exact same meal as the previous night but this time ate it (along with a Lemon Drop.)


So we started walking down the sidewalk to the Curran Theater to see Jersey Boys. It's an awesome show about Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. As we passed the Geary Theater next door, I saw a familiar looking face standing out front directing foot traffic to the correct theaters. He was a dapper looking guy with a beautiful long black dress coat and a santa hat. I couldn't help myself (and oh, I wish I had) and said "Hey, I know you!!" He was probably a little confused as he'd never set his eyes on me before. Lori was racking her brain thinking maybe he got us a cab one year or something. "Aren't you Ebenezer Scrooge??" (Several years ago, a lovely actor played this role and since then has played the Ghost of Christmas Past) He said "You have me confused with Stephen Anthony Jones." (I have since looked up the real actor's picture and now realize they look absolutely nothing alike.) I tucked my tail between my legs and walked into the theater next door for Jersey Boys, but thanks to the Lemon Drop, could not stop laughing. I laughed, giggled, hee-hee-ed, and tittered til my sides ached and I was sure I had cracked ribs. Lori said in nearly 30 years of friendship, she has never heard me laugh like that. She has definitely seen me make a fool of myself SO many countless times, so it wasn't that. Anyway, I decided I've become a lightweight when I drink so I should drink lots more so I can handle my liquor better. (Wha-a-a-a?? It all made so much sense til I wrote it down.)


Saturday morning we got up and going much earlier. Lori's Diner consisted of a much longer wait to be seated, but what they lack for efficiency, they make up for in taste! We shopped lots. We got ready for The Christmas Carol, and Lori's aunt came to town to meet us and go to the play with us. I tried to find a good disguise so Mr-DOESN'T-look-like-Stephen-Anthony-Jones wouldn't recognize the idiot blonde. I failed, so I just ducked down in the crowd entering and exiting the theater. I'm sure he didn't see me. That guy DID look kind of like Bernie Mac, OK, so maybe I just had my celebrity faces mixed up.


The three of us dined at Morton's Steakhouse, which was divine! The Christmas Carol was terrific! The music is wonderful and the stage is so energetic. We had great seats and no one did anything embarrassing. The night doesn't get any better than that! Eventually we ended our evening at The Cheesecake Factory. It was scrump-diddly-umptious as always. Then back to the King Ralph Hotel (just a little amusing.)


Sunday morning we checked out of our suite at the Stephen King Hotel (just a tiny bit scary!) and then we were supposed to find Lori's kinda-ex-brother-in-law in Sausalito. Lori's cousin's family picked us up and we drove around all over and never did find him. Anyway, we had an absolutely WONDERFUL visit with the Pod-boy and Pod-girl. Their family has become my own and I adore them! We visited the Stanford University campus, Palo Alto area, Menlo Park - it was really interesting! I saw the headquarters for FaceBook, which was kind of exciting when the only headquarters I have at home is Focus On The Family. Hmm.


I'm a very lucky gal. I have great people in my life and fun I don't even deserve to be having! The worst part of our trip every year is saying goodbye and this year was no exception. I will get to see my bestest friend ever in a few weeks again, which is like winning the friend lottery.
San Fransisco (and 82) rules!!

I'm TRIPPIN'!

Only 5 more days until I leave for my annual trip to San Francisco with my BFF!!! I'm making my packing list and checking it twice and then adding to it and then deciding to take empty luggage and shop when I get there and then throwing in that sweater I love and then having lots of second thoughts (just about the packing.)

This year we've decided to extend our trip by an extra day. That will be 4 days of absolute fun and frolicking through the Streets of San Francisco. If we have our way, we'll be staying til February by 2010.

To re-cap past years (in no particular order,) there are some MUST-DO's for each trip:

• Lori's Diner
• Macy's
• waiting in line for 2 hrs for The Cheesecake Factory
• The Christmas Carol
• The Disney Store
• Podboy visit (My Favorite!!)
  
• Lil Asian Lady who hocks souvenirs
• The Gold, Silver and Bronze Men
• The Twins (only saw 'em once, but we look for them each year!)
  
• Macy's again
• Pictures at the St Francis Hotel
• Scouting for Don Johnson
• Trying to build up Jackie Mason's ego
• Max's Restaurant (USED to make a good Slippery Nipple!)
• taxi rides
• OK, back to Macy's - can't get enough!!

We try to hit the Pier every other year, but sometimes get luckier than others. Last year we rode through Chinatown and down Lombard Street (compliments of those Podboy's!) This year the Podboy family grew and we can't wait to see their/our new baby!

And then there are great things we do but not every year:

• Palm reader - very insightful.
• Bay cruise (little windy, but fun and a beautiful day!)
• Beach Blanket Babylon - HI-larious play
• Spa Nordstrom
  
• Eat, drink, eat , drink, eat, eat, drink, drink - you get the picture
• Tattoo's for two
• Hotel movie - Watching "Under The Tuscan Sun" with my Lori B was the best!
• Makeover at Smashbox
• shopping shopping shopping (ok, we do that every year!)
  

So many things I'm forgetting, I'm sure. It's a terrific trip each year - never disappointing. I'm so very thankful that I have my BFF. She lifts me constantly and refuels me to face the rest of the year with the anticipation of our next trip. When it comes to my BFF, I'm dripping rich with the blessing of friendship!

Turkey Day Tradition - Chatty Kat style

Hey y'all ~ my family had a turkey-rific Thanksgiving Day! It was just the four of us and our two girl dogs and Stephen's new boy dog, Bailey the foxhound. Who is a huge puppy. And not house-trained. Even a little.

My favorite tradition on this auspicious day of stuffing is when we forge around town, looking for that perfect picture taking spot. This year we chose Garden of the Gods.

And in the spirit of this season, I feel especially thankful this year for a coupl'a things:

• My babies. Big as they are, they're the guys who make me smile, laugh, cry and burst with pride.
• My big guy. He seems to love me no matter what kind of hair day I'm having.
• Peace. It comes in small bursts, but warms me like melted butterscotch.
• Joy. It starts way down deep inside and bubbles to the surface like the pop top of a 7up can.
  
• Love. Nothing tops loving and being loved. Not even donuts. With sprinkles.
  

I hope you're nodding your head because you know peace, joy and love. They cost nothing but pay off more than any 401K. And it seems the more they pay off, the more they pay off. Because love breeds love and joy breeds joy and peace breeds peace. And if I could, I'd wrap it up and mail it to each one of you.

Buh Bye, Kate

It's official now. One of my favs at work is leaving and it doesn't appear to be my fault. (This time.) Kate joined our team last summer and she's been so awesome and helped make all the new job cooties not near so bad. We've enjoyed lunches, general ledger adjustment sessions, bee-yotching in grandiose style, volunteering for a smelly, cantankerous yucky man, and Halloween party time! I will miss Kate. And to her now, I offer these words:

Oh Kate
You are so great
Don't leave our state
You are our mate

Oh Kate
You are so great
You're no Mr Slate
Or Larry Tate

Oh Kate
You are so great
December 20 is a sad date
Sit awhile - California can wait

Oh Kate
You can be late
Here's some cheese to grate
On my plate

Oh Kate
Someone shut the gate
Put her in a crate
Anything to keep our Kate

Oh Kate
You're so great
Time to congratulate
Farewell to our mate

Bye, Kate.

(For extra drama, try singing these words to "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt." See what happens when I have too much spare time??!!)

I'm OFF my rocker!!

I'm off work today! I KNOW! I'm thinking - WOW! What will I do with my day???? I only have a few things I HAVE to do today and then I can really enjoy all my time to myself.

• Clean the kitchen
• Laundry
• Make 65 Christmas cards
• Christmas shop online
• Get Jack's birthday present ready to send
• Get caught up on my other job and put their reports together
• Bring my Blockbuster queue up to date
• Suck my stomach in
  
• Bring my library holds up to date
• Organize my office so I love it more
• Lay out my work clothes for tomorrow
• Make dinner (crock pot, I love thee)
• Lose 35 lbs before my SFO trip
• Cure the common cold
• Bathe Shelby
• Threaten to bathe Molly
• Get my nails done
• Get caught up on emails
• Wash my car
• Work on my book

Yeah, I love having a day off! Ya know, relaxing and enjoying the moment. I've been working fulltime (well, more than fulltime) since the first of August. I absolutely love my jobs! But sometimes I wonder how other women do it. So much to do and very little time away from the job to get it done. Then I remember the last time I went to work fulltime. You just don't do it all. So many things get left un-done. I also know that the busier you are, the more you get done. You take advantage of the off times better than when you have lots of them.

So after a little time thinking about my day, it's time to DO my day. Friends, family - enjoy your day today and I will enjoy mine. Cuz the alternative of not having this day, well . . .

Another Birthday . . .

To my dear friend, "Choco-Box" I send my very best and brightest birthday wishes! You deserve the greatest day a girl could have!

PS: See ya at the party!

Which Witch??

In honor of Halloween, I've given great thought to being a witch. Not for merely a costume, but to really BE a witch! Course, I've been called one many times and even versions thereof. But truly being a witch fascinates me. Last May, I was lucky enough to see WICKED on stage in Denver. Once I saw it, my impression of the wicked witch changed dramatically. And the good witch wasn't quite the great gal everyone thought. Still, if I was a witch, I'd definitely choose to be the wicked one and I've included the top five reasons why:

1. No apologies needed for a bad mood
2. Who wouldn't love to fly?!
3. Never have to remember names ~ they're all "my pretties"
4. Cackling is better than crunches
5. Three words - BLACK IS SLIMMING!

Now it's your turn. What Halloween costume would you like to be in real life and why??

Happy Birthday, Ron!

The birthday party tonight was filled with pizza, cake, ice cream and presents! Ron's 48 years old and getting old enough to be elected to the big house. Many things to celebrate this year. Ron's happy, healthy, retiring from many years of service in the Air Force, and surrounded by a family that loves the heck right outta him!

Enough about me . . . What do YOU think of me?

My sister challenged me to answer these questions on my blog ~ Please help me out!!

HAVE YOU EVER . . .

Bought everyone in the pub a drink... NO
Climbed a mountain... YES
Been inside the Great Pyramid... NO
Held a tarantula... Not sober
Taken a candlelit bath with someone... PROB'LY
Said ‘I love you’ and meant it... YES
Bungee jumped... NO
Visited Paris... no
Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise... I think tonight's gonna be one o' those
Gone to a huge sports game... Colorado Sky Sox, Milwaukee Brewers, SF 49ers in December!
Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa... Doesn't that have an elevator yet??
Grown and eaten your own vegetables... If grown means, "drove to Walmart and bought them," well yeah.
Slept under the stars... YES
Seen the Northern Lights... Chapel Hills Mall?? Sure.
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon... NO
Gotten drunk on champagne... NO, but gotten headaches!
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment... Oh, it's in my blood!
Had a food fight... That's a rite of passage, right? You betcha!
Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier... NO, but Christmas Party's comin'!
Taken an ice cold bath... Darn home treatments!
Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar... NO
Hit a home run... Do video games count??
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking... Sober?? No way!
Adopted an accent for an entire day... maybe
Visited all 50 states... Definitely visited some I won't again!
Had amazing friends... YES YES YES
Watched wild whales... Isn't that on Friday nights?
Stolen a sign... NO
Taken a road trip... YES
Sky diving... NO
Visited Ireland... NO
Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love... I'm not THAT old!

Visited Japan... NO
Benchpressed your own weight... Not even.
Milked a cow... NO
Sung karaoke... In front of people? Just gimme a chance!
Scuba diving... NO
Gone to a drive-in theater... Oh, yeah!
Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it... Oh, yeah!
Visited the Great Wall of China... NO
Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog... Yeah, but I got over it.
Started a business... YES
Taken a martial arts class... NO, watched plenty!
Sword-fought for the honor of a woman... NO
Gotten married... YES
Been in a movie... Only in my mind.
Loved someone you shouldn’t have... nope
Gotten divorced... he seems to be used to me, so no.
Ridden a gondola in Venice... NO
Gotten a tattoo... maybe, ok two
Rafted the Snake River... no
Been on television news programs as an "expert"... With all my teeth in?
Got so drunk you don’t remember anything... more than a few times
Performed on stage... YES

Been to Las Vegas . . . yeah, it's only the greatest!
Eaten shark... NO
Buried one/both of your parents... yes
Been on a cruise ship... no and don't want to
Spoken more than one language fluently... Does pig latin count?
Bounced a check... Since I've been married? no
Read - and understood - your credit report... YES
Raised children... couple of 'em

Found out something significant that your ancestors did... Oh yeah.
Called or written your Congress person... yes, but it did no good.
Walked the Golden Gate Bridge... no, but what a great idea!
Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking... probly
Had plastic surgery... not yet
Wrote articles for a large publication... yep
Piloted an airplane... NO
Petted a stingray... yes
Helped an animal give birth... no
Been fired or laid off from a job... no
Broken a bone... oh yeah.
Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph... this is OFF the record, right?
Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced... no way
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol... yes and my aim sucks
Had major surgery... I don't think so
Had a snake as a pet... Not me, but my son did
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon... why would ya?
Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing... every chance I get
Eaten kangaroo meat... no
Eaten sushi... no
Had your picture in the newspaper... not officially
Gone back to school... course
Parasailed... NO
Changed your name... YES
Petted a cockroach... NO
Eaten fried green tomatoes... NO
Read The Iliad... NO
Stolen silverware, plates, cups from a restaurant because your apartment needed them... Maybe took a few from the Laurelwood Academy kitchenette - after the school closed.
Killed and prepared an animal for eating... heck no!
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream... YES
Had to commit someone you love ... NO, but wanted to
Had a booth at a street fair... Does panhandling count?
Dyed your hair... YES
Been a DJ... BEEN a D.J. or DONE a D.J.??
Been arrested... Really arrested or just wore cuffs? :-)
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment... YES YES YES
Copy the list into a comment and share YOUR answers--

Good Golly, Miss Molly!

Our little Molly Mae got to go bye-bye today. Maybe it wasn't the bye-bye she intended, but she did ride in the car. Molly has been limping for a few days so we decided to call in the specialist. Sure enough, she's suffered a sports injury. (That is IF the sport of jumping off the couch to beg for a treat counts.) Molly has torn her Anterior cruciate ligament (ACL.)

As the Mayo Clinic defines it, "This ligament connects near the front of the shinbone. The ACL controls the movement of your lower leg bone in several ways. It limits the side-to-side rotation of your lower leg and prevents the tibia from moving too far forward in relation to the knee. It also keeps your knee from extending beyond its normal range of motion as well as providing front-to-back stability."

Thus far, we are looking at nonsurgical rehabilitation. This includes laying around, sleeping lots, no stairs, no jumping. All guard dog duties have been handed over to Shelby for the next 3-4 weeks. I'm thinking Molly's life will pretty much consist of well, the same stuff she's used to, but with extra sympathy.

The Longest Day Ever

Yesterday, the company I work for, sent me and several others out to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity. The build site was located in the "Drive-By Shooting" area of town. We armed ourselves with bullet proof vests, ample firepower and donuts.

When we all showed up at the job, we learned a few things. Sometimes those who oversee these volunteer organizations don't shower every week. Yet they must stand close when supervising. I dragged my husband and my oldest son with me. They laughed at me every time our supervisor, Mee-mo, felt the need to hover near me and "check my work." Within minutes we discovered that Mee-mo didn't appreciate women working at his site and he felt compelled to correct and find fault with every tiny bit of work we completed. But when Ron, Sean or Troy (the only dudes on the site) took on a project, it was all flag waving and whistles about the great job they did. In their defense, they really did a good job. It helped that they could shovel, haul and lift more than 50 lbs. But Mee-mo spent his day griping at women and talking on his cell phone. I've never seen a man spend so much time chatting his day away on a cell phone. This of course, kept him from doing any real work.

After all the concrete was poured, I was given the challenge of unscrewing the supporting braces from the forms. I was inside the "house" kneeling down, making lots of noise with the electric screwdriver. Suddenly I feel wet cement clumps being thrown down on me and in my hair, so I stood and said "EXCUUUSE ME!" I was beyond shocked to find our smelly supervisor doing something besides complaining about the women and talking on his cell phone. Mr Mee-mo said "Well, I'm doing an IMPORTANT job. What are YOU doing?" (Not like he couldn't hear me below!) When I explained the job I'd been assigned, he sort of backed down, but still continued his attitude (and smell.) It was like that all day. Thank goodness for Kate, Tracy, Tina, Troy, Ron and Sean. Most of us found humor in the ridiculousness of the day. And it was a L-O-N-G day. I kept asking Kate for the time and when I was just sure it was nearly time for lunch (and a break!) and she said it was 9:30 am. I hate Kate's watch.

We worked at two home sites next door to each other. One was nearly finished and the other was just getting the concrete base poured. We moved dirt. Lots of dirt. We finished building a retaining wall. We measured and marked off the concrete forms. We helped with the cement pour, leveled it off and then removed the tops of the forms when the cement had dried. We cleaned all that up and then went back and hauled more dirt. Ron re-did some of the siding.

The highpoint of my day was when I asked Tina to put the screwdriver in a bucket that was out of reach to me. I got to say " Tina, could you put this in the bucket over there . . . by the shitter." I felt like a full-fledged construction gal. But not THAT full-fledged. I didn't use it once.

My feet hurt. My fingers hurt. My cheeks hurt. (Both sets.) When I showered later that day, I found dirt and dried cement in places I didn't know could house those things. And I chipped a nail. So, a long day was had by all. And to quote Tracy, "next year I'll write a [damn] check!" (The "damn" was mine.)

You Haven't Lived Until You've Received Government Cheese

Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy and they fell in love. They got married at the Justice of the Peace because they couldn't afford a wedding. He was a low ranking airman in the Air Force and she, well, was cute. Once when a salesman called to make an appointment to sell them stuff they couldn't afford, she realized they had no furniture for the salesman. So the boy donated plasma to buy three folding chairs. Then the salesman showed up for his appointment . . . and brought an associate. Well, three out of four got to sit in a chair.

She worked a little here and there, but when they decided to start their brood of young-uns, they realized that they didn't have any money. But having babies was the one thing they could afford to do in the military. It was feeding them that wasn't so cheap. So they discovered WIC and government cheese. And it was good cheese - Velveeta-ish (or maybe it was hard cheddar but had been sitting out too long.) And they got orange juice concentrate. And baby formula. Lots of baby formula. And they even qualified for food stamps. But the girl/mommy and the boy/daddy decided they still had a tiny bit of pride left and opted to go without. But it gave them something to laugh about. The babies didn't starve. They grew fat and happy but ran it all off once they started to walk.

The girl and boy grew older and continued to provide for their babies. The babies grew big. The boy and the babies were the center of the girl's life. She loved them more than any amount of orange juice concentrate. And things got better. Soon they could afford to pay for real Velveeta. And everyone was happy.

The End.

PS: They still have those three folding chairs.

Birthday Shout-outs ON TIME!!

Today is the big day for my BFF's guy, John, and my Uncle's gal, Claire! I wish them unlimited amounts of cake and gift cards. (Good luck with that!) I wish them a day of smothering kisses and well wishes. I wish them love, peace and joyful moments that last the whole year long!!

(And when those joyful moments aren't happenin' for ya, use the gift cards!!)

Happy Birthday, DeAnn!

Today is my friend, DeAnn's, birthday. I haven't called her yet because I want her to be able to sleep in really late.

We've been friends for the past century, or at least since our kids were really little. She makes me laugh and even though we don't see each other very often, she's up there in my top five.

One year for my birthday, she took me to Taos, New Mexico and we spent our time having a blast! Another year we went to Dos Hombres (where the bartender knows her!), got loaded and went to see The Devil Wears Prada. She never fails to make my day really special. I hope hers is the same (and we'll get together soon with OUR plans, but today I'll let your family have you!)

Have a great and special birthday,FREH-END!

If I Was Queen . . .

• there would be a dedicated 24 hr/day channel showing only Family Guy, American Dad, Simpsons and Futurama.
• No one would smoke . . . anything.
• I would only drive a car until the new car scent wore off.
• Someone ELSE would clean my house. And do my laundry. And they would hang it all in my closet by color.
• And I would own lots of boots.
• Oh, and everyone would have health insurance. Cuz I'm all about "others."

UPDATE: OK, I've shocked a few. There is a part of me, way down deep inside that absolutely loves raunchy, edgy and irreverent humor. Those adult cartoon shows above are my favorites, although sometimes there are moments even I cringe when I watch them. Please don't judge me too harshly ~ I really do love boots, too.

Oops . . . I did it again!

Last weekend there were some notable birthdays AGAIN! and I neglected the opportunity to blog about it. Ron's step-dad celebrated last Saturday and then my friend, Vicky, turned 39 again last Sunday. I got to attend her surprise birthday party (complete with a chocolate fountain!) and see the shock 'n' awe on her face when she walked through the door and got pelted with 47,000 lbs of confetti. It was terrific seeing her again and she didn't even once mention the memorial bookmarks I haven't finished for her yet. (Nice girl!)

Vicky married one of Ron's best friends about a million years ago and I'm so glad she did. She's one of the nicest people I know and every time we're together, we have good times. We've lost some dogs together and we understand. She lost her mom; I lost my dad. She loves to shop. I love to shop. She likes pizza. I like pizza. She likes jewelry. I like jewelry. She has two boys. I have two boys. She has two granddaughters. Well, I would shoot my boys if they even THOUGHT about it for a very long time. Yes, Vicky is one of my favorite people (with or without the chocolate fountain!!)

I HEART Rubber Pants

Thank you, Mr & Mrs Inventors, who make my life easier.There are some incredible inventions these days that make life much more worth living. I've listed below some of my favorites:

• Computers (well, duh!)
• Satellite Radio
• Music Videos
• Microwaves (who has time to wait?!)
• CD's
  
• Hot Pockets (call me trashy; them's good eatin!)
• Airplanes (I'm not the stagecoach type)
• Infomercials (I wouldn't own half my crap, if not for them!)
• Pull-ups
• Online photo services
• Cell phones
• Cable TV (Options, people!!)
• Pop Tarts
• Pills that cure stuff
• Surgeries that lift stuff
• Free Range meat (I don't know what it is, but it sounds better)
  
• Voice Mail
• Clothes designed for comfort

Well, it's time for bed. I need to take a sleeping pill, put on my comfortable jammies, slather on my anti-wrinkle cream and program my hot pocket to cook by 7 am tomorrow. Yeah, it's a wonderful life. :-)

Always and Forever, Daddy's Little Girls

Today is sad. My BFF and her sisters lost one of the most precious people to them exactly one year ago. When she called me last year with the horrible news, I hated that I was actually "experienced" with this kind of loss. The only good thing about it was that I really could understand the unspeakable grief she felt and I didn't have to dig very far at all to find it. We're all card-carrying members now of the LOST DAD'S SOCIETY. I miss my dad every day. Some days I miss him so much I feel like I might burst. I hold my breath at times so long I feel like I'm going to pass out. No matter what, he's still gone. I want to believe that my dad is somewhere, watching us. I want to believe that Lori, Cherie and Shelly are enveloped in their dad's arms today. I'm thankful for the relationship we all had with our dads. Perfect? Heck no. But great enough to break our hearts when we lost them.


If my arms were longer, I'd reach across the miles and hug them each. They know I'm doing that in my heart, though.

My Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to hide the bodies
of the ones who pissed me off.

I just wish I understood people better. My problem is that I treat everyone as though they have the same mentality as me. I expect the best in people and I expect them to be sane. And then someone completely surprises you and takes you off guard because you suddenly realize that the person you're speaking to is COMPLETELY PSYCHO. Why don't those people wear signs? Why don't those people drool openly? Why, oh why do I try??? Today at work I met a psycho. She was demon-possessed and I still can't understand her thinking. I expected split pea throw up and some head-spinning. No sense of understanding. Sheesh.

Then there was this other person I once knew who totally threw a temper tantrum. She was the supervisor while I was working temporarily at a job. She accused me of not doing something that she was just sure I should have known ~ although she had never told me this thing I was supposed to have known. Anyway, she stood there looking across the room from about 30 feet away, waving her arms, stomping her feet and yelling at me. I wish I'd had a mirror, because I'm sure the look on my face said "You are flippin' nuts, lady."

People like this make me think things like the above serenity prayer and also things like, "Life is too short for this garbage!" I want to live and love and laugh and be happy to be here every day. I want to make people happy and bring joy where there isn't lots. I want to improve my little daily world. Making room for people who try to suck the life outta you just isn't productive to my plan. So, although my plan sounds good enough, there may be some carnage left along the way. Excu-u-use me.

Happy Birthday, Sis-Jen

Happy birthday to YOU * Happy birthday to YOU * Happy birthday DEAR JENNIFER * Happy Birthday to YOU!!

Always go before you leave!

Today's lesson, boys and girls, is to relax! Actually, this is my lesson, but I'm willing to share it with you. I'm thoughtful that way.

First lay down and close your eyes. Take 5 deep cleansing breaths and as you lay there in your own personal darkness, imagine the tides washing in and out of the surf. Resist the urge to wet yourself. You should have gone before you left. Course, this may not seem relaxing at all if you lost your Uncle Charlie in a shark attack.

OK, try this. Lay down, cleansing breaths . . . You walk through the front doors of the library and notice a large sign to your left that says "Newly installed massage chairs available to high volume readers." Thank goodness you have your dog-eared copy of War and Peace with you! You lay down and begin the full body roll massage. The soft music gently lulls you to that phase of sleep where you begin to feel weightless. Every muscle in your body starts to relax until you remember Jessica Fletcher's episode where Corny McButterpants was murdered while bent over the microfiche reader.

OK, maybe this is better. Lay down . . . You're 150,000 miles above earth, flying to San Francisco. Your seat is set back as far as it will go. You've had enough airplane booze and Valium to knock out a manatee. The whispery lilting voice of the flight attendant sings "Go to sleep my little baby," and rubs your temples gently. The soft hum and rocking of the airplane engines relaxes you to a catatonic state you've never known. Then the D*&^%& booze tells you "I'm going right through you." After one short visit to the restroom, where you are forced to walk into a tiny little room that smells like a truck stop, you're awake. You read the SkyMall magazine, wonder why anyone needs a coffee maker with an atomic clock that poaches eggs and gives you Framingham, Massachusetts news updates simultaneously. Then one of Angelina Jolie's orphans starts kicking the back of your seat (Did I mention you're in first class??) and you're NOT going back to sleep.

OK, just watch TV and take some Niquil, wouldja??

It's Not Just About The Journey

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. ~Douglas Adams

My sister sent me this quote and I do believe it's a most poignant phrase that describes my situation quite perfectly at this moment. There are many experiences I wouldn't have chosen for myself. I wouldn't repeat certain phases of my life. I can't even say I'm thankful for it all. I don't want to believe the bad times are what define you (although I suppose that's partly true.) I have many regrets and I probably always will.

But the good news is that right now I'm where I am. I'm OK with it, too. I hope if you're reading this and think "I'm so not happy with where I am," you'll take the opportunity to figure out what steps you need to take to get there. I've always believed I'm a total work in progress. And I know I still am. But I'm OK to be where I am right now. And I'm completely loving that wrinkles don't hurt.

The Chatty-Kat Daily Metaphor

I love most of my shoes. I'm glad everyone else doesn't have my shoes. But I'm also glad I get to see other shoes on other people, even if those aren't the shoes I'd buy. I'm glad that shoes come in lots of colors. I love pointy toed and round toed styles. I love boots. OMG, do I love boots! I love tennis shoes (which I've never played tennis while wearing.) I love slip ons and strap-ins. I love leather and fabric and even that funky rubberish stuff in Crocs. And I'm glad everyone wears different shoes.

In my city, where DIVERSITY is a bad word, I'm thankful for the open-minded, truly kind and caring individuals who really want to make sure there's room for us all!


You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. ~Doug Floyd

It's all about the heart!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways . . .

• You gave me our wonderful boys
• Cuz of you, my first baby, I'm a mommy
• You became my next little guy, but my forever baby
• You wag your tail when I say your name
  
• You bark and roo-roo everytime I walk in the door (even if I've just gone to check the mail!)
• You call me everyday just to say "I Love You" and you're the best mom ever
• Your spirit is in my heart every single day and I tell the universe how much I miss you just as often
• You make me love being a big sister
• You know everything about me but love me anyway
• You call me a friend
• You haven't fired me, yelled at me or degraded and humiliated me. In fact, you make me LOVE coming to work
  
• You loved my dear father-in-law
• You're fun and make me laugh
• Your example teaches me more than you'll ever know

Those Three Little Words

Ah, those three little words. They make me a better mom, better wife, better person.

You get home at night, the house is a mess, the kids are fighting and your favorite TV show is pre-empted for a presidential address. Yep, those three little words can make all the difference.

The boss is on the warpath, the internet goes out, the phones are ringing off the hook with grouchy complaining whiners. Those three little words allow you to pull back from the day's crises and celebrate another "X" on the calendar.

It's a blind date but your best friend promised you it's a GREAT OPPORTUNITY. Actually you were promised a good looking, rich and successful date who's open to commitment. In reality, he's fat, deeply in debt, "in between jobs" and has mother issues. Those three little words lift you momentarily.

Your kids have failed their classes, lost their scholarships, hooked up with a single mom and her 3 kids, and wrecked the family cruiser. Those three little words can stop you from lighting fire to the house.

You find vomit in your prized rose bushes after the neighbor's kegger. Your chihuahua looks pregnant and the nearby great dane looks guilty. You spill coffee on your ivory dry-clean-only blouse on the way to work. Ah, those three little words.

That's right . . . LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS!

Have a great day!!

Sunday Funnies

Thank you's to my sis-Jen and BFF for their TEE-rific comments on the previous post!! I'm definitely inspired to see Spinal Tap again! And Jen, ALL the Griswold Vacation movies are great~ full of memorable quotes, like this one:

Clark:"Eddie, has anyone ever told you you're bad luck?
Cousin Eddie: Those were my mother's dying words. But I guess if your body's covered in third degree burns, and your foot's caught in a bear trap, you tend to start talkin' crazy."

Favorite Movie Line Time

My favorite movie line of all time (so far) is from RENT when Maureen tells JoAnn "THERE WILL ALWAYS BE WOMEN IN RUBBER!" If you haven't seen the movie, I challenge you to see it to know what they're talking about. It's hilariously touching and deeply moving. To me, anyway.

Boss-Jen's favorite movie line is from WAITING TO EXHALE when she says "TAKE YO SH**!, TAKE YO SH**!" This line must be quoted properly with the southern accent.

Each of these lines can actually be worked into conversation quite easily. Well, "There will always be women in rubber" doesn't ever make sense, but it does draw blank stares followed by confused laughter. And some days that's the best you can hope for!!

So, what are YOUR favorite movie lines?? (Always read the comments written by others - I have hysterically funny friends and family!)


UPDATE: Definitely read the comments . . . my sister is on a roll!

(Tardy) Birthday Shout-outs!

Happy Birthday to a few of my favorite persons!

Theo & Trevor - Hope yours was the best!!

Deanna (My Cuz) - I love you and miss you and wish I could have helped you celebrate!

. . . a couple more coming, but I'll try to make my birthday shout-outs ON-TIME!!

My favorite food group

Few things on this earth bring my tummy greater joy than Mike N Ike candies. They're chewy, fruity and sweet. They go great with Murder She Wrote re-runs and old episodes of Columbo. I don't like the green and red ones much, so Ron gets those. I LOVE the pink ones. They're my favorites! The yellow and orange flavors aren't bad. The grape flavored candies are pretty tasty. Wish I had a favorite candy that wasn't Ron's favorite candy. Then I wouldn't have to share them or hide them in my jewelry armoire under my dad's ashes. Our family (OK, Jen and me) had this tradition - always Red Vines with James Bond movies. I miss those days, Sissy. I can think of only one candy even better than MNI's - Now and Later's. Course I prefer to eat them NOW rather than LATER. But it's fruit, so that can't be all bad, right Cuz??!!

The ChattyKat Boss of the Year Award goes to . . .

As I wrote last weekend, I started a new job recently. My new boss is "Jennifer." That makes two Jennifer's in my life and I love them both (OK, sis-Jen is higher on the love list, but Boss-Jen isn't too far down!)

One previous boss goes down in the books for his constant screaming fits directed at me daily. He would throw things when he was mad and I just totally prayed one day I would get hit by one of those flying objects and be able to press charges. He had me convinced that I would never get a job anywhere else, so I didn't try. Also, whenever I had a lunch date with a friend, he'd spend the whole afternoon accusing me of trying to get another job. He molested any female worker or delivery girl, so I was always writing letters IN HIS DEFENSE denying such charges. Oh, what a dark time in my life. Even when you self-medicate (i.e. drink yourself into oblivion) you eventually wake up and have to face the blackness again anyway.

When I worked government, I did like a lot of my bosses - I had many, and some were really great. My favs were: Bruce, Gerardo, Steve G, Nik, Ron . . . probly a couple others I can't remember right now. While working temp, I've enjoyed just about anyone I've worked for and really really liked the gals at my temp company. Now, though, I work for Boss-Jen and she's about the best boss ever. I feel very very lucky to have a job I enjoy so much.

My own list of what makes a good boss:

• Promotes positive energy
• Admits mistakes
• Loves their job
• Truly cares about and empowers their employees
• Knows the fine line between staying informed and micro-managing
• Listens to others
• Even-tempered - doesn't throw tantrums
• Challenges employees to be their best

Did I forget anything?? Have a great week!

Sorry, sorry, sorry . . .

This has been the busiest two weeks I ever remember!! I got a full time job, bought a car, helped my in-laws move to Colorado, spent a weekend in Cripple Creek while Sean rode in a parade, accepted another part time job that's really cool and just generally kept doing lots of things that take lots of time. I'm so sorry I haven't updated my blog.

Thank goodness I have good friends and family and I still hear from people. I feel like I've been out of the human race for the past few weeks. And I'm tired. So right now I'm headed to bed. Yeah, it's 8:15 pm and Saturday night which makes me a total uncool weary unsocial dweeb. I'm not proud either.

I'll be in touch - maybe even tomorrow!

George, Brad and Matt do it again!

I've never been a huge fan of Clooney, Pitt or Damon, but they did indeed pull it off once again in Ocean's 13. Once during the movie, I turned to Ron and whispered that I wish these guys with their resources were my friends. It would be great to exact revenge on a few people in such a clever and seemingly much more mature nature than I would normally display. No offense, Mom. Plate-licking is really clever, but wouldn't putting someone out of business be more effective and memorable? I'm more the "do something gross with the toothbrush" speed, but these guys make my pranks look quite shameless. There must be nothing more fulfilling than putting a Las Vegas hotel owner out of business (provided he's a really bad guy!)

Anyone reading this has nothing to fear - I would only go after evil people. Or mean people. Or people who drive way below the speed limit. Or rude sales clerks. Or weirdy's from a state that starts with "K." Or military officers who kick their families to the curb.

Yeah, I'm no dummy. I plan to stay on Danny Ocean's good side.

Saturday Sloth

It's Saturday morning and I'm tired, tired, tired. I've worked non-stop for about two weeks and even on my days off, I was really busy. I haven't had one single day to laze around in my jammies with the remote. I know: WAAAA.

Ron was on a business trip in California for the past week ( or as I like to call it, "the golf trip.") I didn't sleep well, knowing that in the event of a break-in, there would be no one to distract the perpetrator while I made my ninja-like get-away. So after sleeping all week with one eye open and one finger on the trigger of my super soaker, I'm so ready to let him have the night watch.

I need to clean house, and do a multitude of things I've put off for two weeks. The "Favor-Fairy" hasn't visited for awhile. And Ron wants to "relax" all day and see a movie. I'll try to fit that in. Right now I think I'll start with a nap. Z-z-z-z-z-z.

Cuz It's Cool, That's Why!

It's SHARK WEEK on The Discovery Channel! That is exciting because:

• I have no life
• I have no job
• I have no idea

But I do love shark week. It reminds me of when my BFF sneaked a television into our dormitory during our senior year in prison, I mean, high school. And we watched JAWS on Friday night (i.e. SABBATH) with blankets draped over the windows so the night watchman (Dan M.) wouldn't see the light changing in the corner room. Then we had an earthquake, but thought Jesus was coming and we would surely go to hell because we were watching a movie on a contraband television on Sabbath. Ya know, as a parent that story is not cool. My kids both think I'm incredibly weird. I have no drug or drinking stories. My idea of being WILD and CRAZY was hiding Elder "Uncle Mil" Perrin's B-I-B-L-E. Sure you could call it theft, but I prefer "displacement." And we DID return it (after a stiffly worded lecture which I barely held my laughter.)

The boys love their Auntie BFF (even though she was as "square" as me.) She could do anything and be very cool, but I'm still totally uncool. And their Auntie Zen is way cooler than me, too. Woe is me. Being uncool is so sad. Like when you're talking to your sister on the cell phone and she's at the drive-thru of Burgerville. And you're not. Some days you wish you were just laying in bed watching Shark Week on The Discovery Channel.

Jailhouse Rocks

Apparently THE KING is still in the building. Besides being intensely fearful, I'm ALL SHOOK UP and extremely nauseous now.

Happy Friday and you are welcome for the diet aid.

Some Men Are Such "Givers"

Last night I had dinner with a friend. She's one o' those terrific gals you feel lucky to have in your life. And every once-in-awhile someone tells you a story you just KNOW the whole world needs to hear. Plus she gave me her permission to share. I promised to use her "porn name" instead of her real one. (Formula: your first pet's name and the street you were born on.)

So, "Choco Box" was married to this guy who had a vasectolotomy lo many years ago. Apparently, about six weeks post-partum, these guys have to submit a "specimen" to be checked for swimmers. So he asked her to buy him a magazine so that he could give them the best sample possible. Well, my friend worked at a local church nursery. She was horribly embarrassed, but as a loving and dutiful wife (what a waste that proved to be!) she went to the most commonly known adult book store for her husband's inspiration. She discreetly paid cash, so as not to alert her credit card company to her seedy purchase. As the clerk handed her the change back, he said "Thank you, Choco." She looked into the heaven's with the panic-stricken face of someone caught stealing pens from work during the second coming of Christ, when she saw in the mirrored ceiling above the register that she had on her name tag "Choco Box, Children's Program Director, New Life Church." Can you just IMAGINE what the bulletin would read that week?

Along those same lines, I remember Jeff Foxworthy's monologue about their early years of marriage. His wife had not gotten pregnant during six months of constant attempts, so she decided he should be "tested." His brother had told him everything he needed to know about the testing procedure. When he arrived at the clinic, a woman gave him a cup and no magazine. He was disappointed but thought "Well, I know what I gotta do and I guess it's all imagination now." He "gave it all he had" then waited for a few extra minutes - so's he wouldn't look like a circus freak. When he walked out in the hallway and handed his specimen cup to the nurse, she looked at it and said "Oh geez! We don't do that here. We just need a urine specimen!"

I submit the above stories are true to the best of my ability to stick to the version told to me.

Porn-cerely
"Skipper Peach"

I Think, Therefore I Stink

Have you ever thought so hard that you started to sweat?? Me neither. But if I DID, I don't think it would be pretty. Which brings me to my REAL point - my favorite ever perfume, "Falling In Love" by Philosophy. It's truly the nicest smell on the planet. It's vanilla and other things that smell good and disguise if I'm having one of those days wherefore I might think too hard. My BFF wears it and she smells good, so I hope I smell half that nice. And the scent reminds me of the sweetness of being in San Francisco every first weekend of December.

UPDATE: Item can be purchased in most major cities with Philosophy counters in their "parfum" departments.

Addicted to Porn (uh, GASTRO Porn)

I only just heard this term recently. When a restaurant has "come-hither, glistening images of food," trying to entice you to buy, buy, buy, it's called "Gastro-Porn." I thought it just made me hungrier. So if I eat a lot, I'm "addicted to porn." If I eat a lot and I'm on TV, I'm a "porn star." If I'm invited to the neighbor's barbeque, I'm going to a "porn party." And now that I've written "porn" on my site so many times, I'm "x-rated." Sheesh. Gotta go. Gotta find a support group. And I'm hungry.

Have A Great Shoe Day!

I'm having a great shoe day today. Ya know those days when you're wearing the cutest pair of pumps and they don't hurt and they sound just right against the sidewalk. There is a certain sound of "clacking" that you hear in the movies. I LOVE that sound. Sometimes I take shorter steps so I get to make twice as many clacks. Some of my shoes have such soft souls that I feel like I'm in stealth mode. What can I say? I like the clack. Not all shoe sounds are good, though. Like when you hear someone walking in their crocs with no socks and it makes squishy noises. Poo-tink! Not all clickety-clicking noises are good. Like when you hear clickety-clack, clomp, click-click, "Oh, no-o-o-o-o!" as someone trips. I'm glad I rarely trip. (Quiet everyone who knows me!) When I DO trip, I hope I'm in stealth mode, so no one hears me. But I'm usually not.

Few things make a bad day worse than hating your shoes. Or clacking wrong. Maybe that's just me.

And the OTHER thing good about Friday's, as Ron reminded me this morning: PIZZA NIGHT!!!

Sing A Song Of Sixpence . . .

In the wonderful town that I spent the first eleven years of my childhood, there is a great not-so-living legend of THE BLACKBIRD. I remember it as a very large spooky looking creature in front of a store (of the same name) that my parents took me to on a very regular basis. And if we weren't going in, I always noticed it when we drove by. It was founded in 1965 by a man who designed and built this 29 foot BlackBird to stand over the parking lot of his outdoor/hardware store. (But really it always had a lot of other crapola to buy!) The bird is constructed of re-bar, hog wire and fiberglass and is known to dine on small children who don't stay with their parents while on the premises. (Or so I was told!) It's truly one of the most photographed landmarks in all of . . . Medford.

While we visited my hometown last month, Ron made a short trip to BLACKBIRD to purchase something he needed for the yardwork he was doing at my mom's house. He told me there was a l-o-n-g line with about 30-40 people waiting. Preparing himself for a tiresome wait, and totally re-thinking the necessity of this small purchase, he was surprised when suddenly a cashier from another register called him over and the following conversation ensued.

RON: "Well, why are all those people standing in THAT line?"

CLERK: "They're paying their utility bills."

CLERK (seeing Ron's confusion): Oh, YOU must have a checking account!" (With an attitude of LA-DI-DA! I can only imagine if I had been with him. They'd have thought I was a total snob. What with wearing shoes AND a bra!!)

Ahhhh, that's our BLACKBIRD!!