Always go before you leave!

Today's lesson, boys and girls, is to relax! Actually, this is my lesson, but I'm willing to share it with you. I'm thoughtful that way.

First lay down and close your eyes. Take 5 deep cleansing breaths and as you lay there in your own personal darkness, imagine the tides washing in and out of the surf. Resist the urge to wet yourself. You should have gone before you left. Course, this may not seem relaxing at all if you lost your Uncle Charlie in a shark attack.

OK, try this. Lay down, cleansing breaths . . . You walk through the front doors of the library and notice a large sign to your left that says "Newly installed massage chairs available to high volume readers." Thank goodness you have your dog-eared copy of War and Peace with you! You lay down and begin the full body roll massage. The soft music gently lulls you to that phase of sleep where you begin to feel weightless. Every muscle in your body starts to relax until you remember Jessica Fletcher's episode where Corny McButterpants was murdered while bent over the microfiche reader.

OK, maybe this is better. Lay down . . . You're 150,000 miles above earth, flying to San Francisco. Your seat is set back as far as it will go. You've had enough airplane booze and Valium to knock out a manatee. The whispery lilting voice of the flight attendant sings "Go to sleep my little baby," and rubs your temples gently. The soft hum and rocking of the airplane engines relaxes you to a catatonic state you've never known. Then the D*&^%& booze tells you "I'm going right through you." After one short visit to the restroom, where you are forced to walk into a tiny little room that smells like a truck stop, you're awake. You read the SkyMall magazine, wonder why anyone needs a coffee maker with an atomic clock that poaches eggs and gives you Framingham, Massachusetts news updates simultaneously. Then one of Angelina Jolie's orphans starts kicking the back of your seat (Did I mention you're in first class??) and you're NOT going back to sleep.

OK, just watch TV and take some Niquil, wouldja??