The "Ain't" Factor

I know it’s wrong. I can’t help it. When someone says “ain’t” within earshot of me, I judge. And I’ve seen people with all their teeth say it. And I judge. Maybe not as harshly, but I definitely judge. I wasn’t more educated than most people. I went to high school in a boarding academy (which was like military school-lite or Junior College with Jesus 101) but in no way an advanced academic program. (Sorry, Mom, you paid WAY too much for it, but since I did meet my BFF there, it was worth every single required worship.) But even with my average education, I couldn’t say “ain’t.” At least I didn’t want to. Recently, I realized that sometimes when I use that totally sarcastic voice (most of you have heard it) to mock myself or someone out of earshot, I slip into an exaggerated hillbilly drawl and I say the “A” word. I almost never spit afterwards. (Well once, but I was super drunk!)

My oldest son tends to use a fresh bath towel daily and I get tired of washing them so often. I was lecturing (not exactly creating loving memories at that moment) about the art of making a towel last more than a day. I punctuated the end of my lecture with “This ain’t the Hilton, ya know.” For anyone not privy to my “sarcastic voice,” I sounded barefoot and bra-less. I’m so ashamed. I wouldn’t feel so bad if I knew that no one heard. Or if anyone did hear, they knew I was using the sarcastic voice. But nothing is guaranteed. Except death. And I can hear it now . . . (thoughtfully peering over my grave) “Sure she had some class, but I did hear her say ‘ain’t’ that time . . .”

PS: For the record, I have never opened a beer can with my teeth.